Happy Mother’s Day!

I hope that your Mother’s Day has been all you hoped it would be.  Mother’s day is meant to be a day to honor mothers for the many ways they bless the lives of families in special ways.  Recognition should be given for the years of acting in the roles of many care givers.

Thank you, Moms, for being our cheerleaders, chefs, cuddlers, chauffeurs, coaches, creative directors, counselors, decorators, dream interpreters, editors, engineers, fashion consultants, finance managers, gardeners, laundry operators, makeup artists, nurses, nutritionists, organizers, party planners, pet groomers, referees, sanitation engineers, shopping experts, teachers, vacation planners, and friends.  There are probably many more roles that mothers play in the lives of their families.  One special day in the year is far from adequate to express proper gratitude.  So honor the Mothers in your life in many creative ways all year-long.

Unfortunately, there some of us that struggle on this Mother’s Day.  It can be a painful reminder of the loss of a dear family member.  Disability or aging can impose difficulty regarding quality of life.  Some families and individuals struggle because their mothers were absent.  Others suffered from abuse or neglect.  We all must ensure that our families recognize and are sensitive to this pain.

Together, let us all celebrate motherhood.  Perpetuate the beneficial models found in your families of origin.  Break the negative patterns that continue the legacy of dysfunctional parenting.  Celebrate the opportunity to enjoy generations of truly Happy Mother’s Days.

God bless…
Tim

A Successful Marriage Is Solution Focused, Not Problem Oriented

I enjoy watching individuals and couples change their view of themselves and their relationships, as their perception of their circumstances change. Score-keeping and comparisons to others can be a major obstacle to emotional and relational growth. The resulting attitudes of evaluating the self using others as the unit of measure are pride or dissatisfaction and envy.

I have worked with individuals from every station in life – the full spectrum of military rank, diplomats, elected and appointed employees from every level of government, the extremely wealthy to those in poverty, employee and employer, the very powerful and those feeling helpless, officers of the courts and those subject to justice, adolescents to geriatric populations, and advocates of most faiths. People often define themselves in comparison to others in ways that are unhealthy.

The desire to grow and improve ourselves and our relationships is admirable and healthy. The goal to maintain and remain the same produces stagnation and ultimately decline. So challenging ourselves is good. However, the aspiration must be realistic in expectation of time and degree. Any less produces frustration and perception of failure. People experiencing frustrations produced inappropriate or unrealistic expectations often fail to see or appreciate the strengths and assets they already enjoy.

I have seen this distortion of perception in all of the people groups I mentioned above. Power can be an issue for military personnel. Not knowing how to let it go or seeking to gain it at home are both issues damaging to relationships. Serving our nation by negotiating with governments doesn’t translate very well to processes filled with emotion and close contact found in families. The demands of politics and intimate relationships easily become fields of conflict. Some wealthy families struggle with the driven personalities that produced the wealth. Others are unable to deal with the responsibility of effectively manage the wealth they are given by inheritance or good fortune. Middle class families see the environments beyond their reach and live in misery grasping at fantasy. The impoverished struggle to survive and escape their condition. Employers spend untold hours and energy to grow their business. Employees envy the benefits the business owner has earned. People finding themselves in positions of great power have difficulty understanding the effect they exert on their circle of influence. Individuals and people groups of less or little power only see the suppression or oppression in their world. Members of the justice system often make judgments and promote causes based upon their own agendas. People experiencing the consequences of the justice system fall victim to stereotyping and prejudice. Adolescents suffer from great potential and lack of wisdom, as well as resentment of restraint and idealism. The Elderly struggle with declining health and mortality. Various faiths find problems with being misunderstood, prejudice, internal politics, changing traditions, and political opposition. These perceptions fail to credit the real assets, joys, and blessings they have in their lives.

Power is at its maximum when it is given away to create peace. Cold diplomacy must be tempered with empathy and compassion to build relationships. Political demands that prevent intimacy, privacy, and time within families need to be rejected. The acquisition and maintenance of fortune, which is given the highest priority, sacrifices the truly valuable life asset of relational commitment. The pursuit of riches can become a blinding vision that obscures the value of positive influence, effective parenting, and intimate relationships. Poverty distorts the view of and individual’s potential, intellect, and worth. The most successful employers develop their employees so that all benefit from the synergy of their efforts. Successful employees learn from their mentors in business and their colleagues about the best ways to pursue real happiness and growth that benefits their families. Judges, attorneys, and law enforcement officials are most effective when they act to provide boundaries within which good is flourishing, rather than seeing the world as evil that must be controlled. Adolescents are best mentored in an environment which shapes them rather than views them as an inconvenience. As our life becomes more restricted by health and mobility issues, enjoy the opportunity to be a recipient of the serving of others, as you served in the younger years. Persecution or oppression is the very environment is which faith is proven and thrives in reality. All of these circumstances can be viewed as a group of problems or opportunities for solutions.

Healthy individuals and growing relationships do not let unpleasant or frustrating circumstances define their lives or the quality of their core being. Viewing a problem as an external entity with which we must cope, prevents us from defining ourselves as the enemy. When we decide to question or examine or change the way we think, act, or believe, the process is the difficulty. If we make ourselves the enemy, the self becomes devalued without the right to have hope and vision. Instead pursue a vision offering a solution to the “external” problem. Rather than pursuing power, wealth, status, or the escape from mortality, engage in the quest to be the best self possible. A portion of the former pursuits will naturally be gained. Development of current assets produces quality which functions as a magnet to attract other assets.

Comparing one’s self to another is an automatic ticket to failure. The other person is, by definition, the only one capable of being who they are. We, as individuals, are certain to be different that anyone else. If we compare characteristics, there will always be someone smarter, wealthier, stronger, more powerful, more attractive, younger, faster, wiser, more educated, driving a nicer car, living in a more desirable home, working in an office with a better view, better season tickets, more eloquent, showing a quicker wit…whatever. Compare yourself to your capacities and potential. Maximize your unique combinations of talent, character, and personality to become the best You possible. Provide a valid opportunity for others to admire your success. The same is true for A Successful Marriage.

Your marriage will have similarities to others, both good and not so good. Refrain from attempting to duplicate another couple’s marriage. Instead, learn from their patterns of success. Each marriage is comprised of two unique individuals; therefore, the combination is also unique. So duplication will not best serve that couple. Patterns that serve the general population well should be reasonable guides to serve as templates on which to build boundaries and expectations that produce patterns which best serve that couple. The negotiations, which shape that template and form the behavior of the relationship, are best conducted by defining solutions and vision rather than defining responses to a problem. Problems are often defined differently by the people involved. Solutions are formed in agreements shaped by positive perspectives. Problems are constructed and driven by fear and resistance. Solutions are born of desire, dreams, and vision.

There exists an old proverb: “If the only tool you possess is a hammer, everything you encounter is a nail.” If you and your marriage are defined by negative comparisons and frustration, you marriage is seen as a problem. If you and your marriage are defined by your assets, successes, vision, opportunity for growth, and solutions, your marriage will grow and be successful.

Look for opportunity, successes, and solutions; and enjoy each other.

God bless…
Tim

How Did You Celebrate Valentine’s Day?

I hope that you remembered your loved ones this Valentine’s Day.  Individuals and couples acknowledge this holiday in various ways.  Some plan elaborate events or extravagant evenings.  Others celebrate more modestly with less fanfare.  The important factor is that it was taken as an opportunity to mark your  relationship as being special.

My Blessing and I had no great event, but our celebration was no less real and genuine.  The card I sent to my daughter was an understatement of the caring and pride I feel for her.  I trust you took the opportunity to express your caring, as well.

I had the privilege to meet with some couples on this Valentine’s Day.  They all are experiencing struggles in their lives and relationships.  Some people may think that talking with a therapist is a strange way to celebrate Valentine’s Day.  I was proud of these couples because they are celebrating their caring by choosing to make their partnership as strong as it can possibly be.  Seeking new levels of sharing life and serving each other, in spite of emotional upheaval, is the true expression of loving each other.

Relationships need not be damaged to seek and celebrate growth.  Rich relationships require maintenance to enjoy continued success.  Recognition and acknowledgement that all relationships are in need of investment is the first step toward truly celebrating your partnership.  Cards, chocolates, flowers, and marvelous dinners are certainly significant means by which caring connections are celebrated.  However, no token can successfully compare to the gift of investing yourself in another person.

I challenge you to use the warmth of this holiday to awaken the childlike ability within all of us to give yourself to your family as a daily Valentine statement of loving.  Celebrate your Successful Marriage by doing the little things that appear to be insignificant or counter intuitive.  Be creative in the ways you invest in each other.  Don’t wait for the holidays.

Enjoy each other!

God bless…
Tim

A Successful Marriage Resolves Distress

One of my greatest frustrations is meeting couples that have waited too late to seek help. Destructive patterns and toxic resentment make success highly unlikely.  However, I tell couples daily that we can solve any problem, with the exception of biology, if both parties really want to solve it.  The following article is a Consumer Update from the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.

Marital Distress

Marital distress is one of the most frequently encountered and disturbing human problems. Everyone who is married experiences difficulties, but for some, these troubles reach the point that partners become profoundly disappointed and upset about their marriages and may even come to question whether they want to continue to remain married. Marital distress is very unsettling and the ways marital problems often progress make it easy for things to go from bad to worse. However, in most situations, this flow in a negative direction can be altered. Most marriages can return to being satisfying. Sometimes people can make these changes on their own, but frequently help from a couple therapist is needed.

How Do You Know When to Seek Help or Suggest Doing So to a Friend?

No one has a perfect marriage, and almost every couple can benefit from some help at times with their marriage. Pre-marital preparation and marital enrichment programs such as the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP) and the Relationship Enhancement Program are available in many localities and most people find them helpful regardless of how well their relationship is going. And many people seek couple counseling with a trained therapist to improve their marriages even when their marriages are not unduly distressed. You don’t need to be in a distressed marriage to be in marital therapy. Many people with very solid marriages choose this path to enhance their relationships.

Experiencing marital distress, however, represents a different state from the ups and downs of life in marriage that most people experience. In distressed marriages, people feel fundamentally dissatisfied with their marriages. Disappointment in the relationship doesn’t just come and go; it is a constant companion. Most frequently, couples with high levels of marital distress fight a good deal and their fights don’t lead to resolution, but simply a sense of being worn out. Or they may not fight, but simply feel completely disconnected. People stop doing nice things for each other, they stop communicating, and things tend to go from bad to worse. Frequent arguments that don’t get resolved, loss of good feelings, and loss of friendship, sex and vitality are other signs that a marriage is distressed. Other signs, such as contempt, withdrawal, violence, and a complete loss of connection signal that a marriage is in desperate trouble and that it is at high risk for divorce. And you need not be legally married to have “marital distress.” Serious, long-term, committed relationships can experience these kinds of major problems, too.

Sometimes marital problems are purely about problems in the relationship such as communication, solving problems, arguing, intimacy, and sex. These kinds of problems often begin with partners simply not having a good sense of how to be married and how to communicate and provide support. Other times couples may do well for a while, particularly in the earliest stages of their romance, but they are not ready for the longer-term tasks in marriage. Studies of couples show that while the risks for marital distress and divorce are highest early in marriage, these risks also grow just after the transitions that occur when couples begin to have children and when the children reach adolescence.

Other times, marital problems are directly the result of individual problems, such as substance abuse. And marriages can even seem to be going well, but one shattering event like an extramarital affair will throw a marriage into distress.

Marital distress has powerful effects on partners; often leading to great sadness, worry, a high level of tension, and problems such as depression. If prolonged, it even has been shown to have direct effect on physical health. The effect on families is also profound, especially when conflict is high. Children raised in high conflict homes tend to have many more problems than other children. And once marriages are distressed, a progression begins that easily becomes a cascade downward, ultimately leading to the ending of a marriage.

The Kinds of Help That Work

The good news is that there are effective treatments for marital distress. Given a willingness to work on a marriage, most people can make their marriages satisfying again.

No one begins as a perfect partner. Marriage depends on a number of skills, such as being able to understand yourself, understand your partner, fight well, problem solve, and negotiate differences. Sometimes patterns we learned in our families growing up aren’t effective, but are carried over to a marriage. And sometimes the stresses of life make it difficult to stay happily married.

Treatment for marital distress is in part building or rebuilding the skills that work in marriage, such as learning to communicate and problem solve, and how to fight without engaging in too much hurt. Partly, marital therapy is about partners working to see each other as people, to understand where they are coming from, and to negotiate those differences that can be negotiated and accept those differences that cannot. Couples all have issues that stay with them; the key is to build a process that can help find a way to talk about those issues, to find solutions, and not have the problems that emerge in life become overwhelming.

Couple therapists have special training in couple therapy. They know how to help couples have a sense of progress even as they struggle with difficult issues. There are many kinds of effective couple therapy. Some promote skills and practice, others look more at the past and how things got this way; most combine the two. If you have a marital problem, call a couple therapist and make an appointment. Finding a couple therapist is easy, but use caution. Be sure the person has specific experience in couple therapy, as marriage and family therapists do.

Beginning couple therapy is not easy. For most people, it’s hard to begin to share with a person you don’t know about marital difficulties, and it’s hard not to be discouraged as you argue about these issues at first in front of a therapist. Couples with marital distress are often discouraged and have trouble believing that couple therapy can help. But couples who begin marital therapy begin to create a process for overcoming their difficulties. Sometimes the resolution of problems happens very quickly, though more typically a longer period is needed. For most, it’s hard to work on these problems at first, but ultimately that becomes easier and problems are resolved.

What Should You Do if Your Partner Won’t Go to Therapy?

Some people with marital problems won’t seek help even when it is essential. If your partner won’t go to therapy, try to encourage them. It’s hard to fix a distressed marriage on your own. Still, if they won’t go, you can begin to do some things yourself. A marriage and family therapist is likely to have some useful ideas about how to improve the relationship without both of you getting into therapy and about how to find better ways to approach your partner about the idea of entering treatment together.

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I hope this encourages someone to maximize their opportunity to have A Successful Marriage.

Enjoy each other…
Tim

The text of this brochure was written by Jay Lebow, PhD. for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.
http://www.aamft.org/imis15/content/consumer_updates/marital_distress.aspx

A Successful Marriage Celebrates Victory

Success is reason to celebrate.  Relational success is enhanced by celebration.  Healthy relationships celebrate the success enjoyed by other marriages.  Marriages become successful by learning from the successes around them.

Today’s logo is red for a reason.  I am celebrating the victory of the Crimson Tide of the University of Alabama in the BCS National Championship Football Game.  I have evolved from a Tide fan in my youth to favor the Tigers of Auburn University – “War Eagle!”  However, I still am proud of the Tide when they represent our state in victory.  I can continue to exclaim “Roll Tide” in celebration of their success.  So it is for successful marriages when they observe other couples enjoying the health relational victory.

Couples, experiencing difficulty achieving marital expectations, sometimes resent or blame their partner or their circumstance for not enjoying the same relational health as friends or neighboring couples.  Struggling couples have difficulty acknowledging the success around them and label it as fake or a show.  All couples experience difficulties in their relationships.  Sometimes the display of unity or pleasantry can be contrived, but only for a time.

Healthy marriages look for good examples of success.  If that success demonstrates consistency, it is to be investigated and become a learning opportunity.  Success promotes success.  This has long been a mantra in the world of business.  This is also true in the realm of marriage.  When we feel that our marriage is not experiencing the measure of success we would like, study one that does.  Rather than assigning blame for a flaw, acquire a new behavior or perspective to promote success.

Celebrating the victories of others validates their success.  They can then, in turn, celebrate our own.  Life is not about rivalry, being the best, competition, or image.  Life is about the promotion of success for ourselves and others – individuals, couples, and teams.  We lift the level of function and the opportunity to enjoy success when we celebrate the victories we find all around us.

Encourage couples as they overcome distress by telling them of the inspiration you find in their victory.  Express your appreciation to mentors for their display of success that helps you achieve victory.  The crystal trophy that Coach Nick Saban held high is not just an emblem of success for the University of Alabama.  That trophy is a celebration of victory for the State of Alabama and collegiate sports.  Your victory in marital health joins the successes of other couples to raise the level of function and expectation for your community and our society.  Celebrate victories and promote success as you provide an example of hope for relationships to come.

God bless…
Tim